I awoke this morning early, restless and unable to sleep. I read some spiritually-uplifting things to fill an aching in my soul. My thoughts lingered, though and eventually I found myself daydreaming out our window at the eastern sun rising over the mountains and filling this valley with light.
Over time, I have become amazed at parts of myself. I think I am at-peace with aging, and not too worried about passing fads and how people feel or think about me, but at once I am, deeply affected by certain people, and thoughts they have about me.
- Part of me had lost focus on a core, integral part of who I thought I would be 10 years ago.
- Other areas of my life are more alive and fulfilling than they have ever before been.
But the aching in my soul… the lingering want… the cold when its otherwise shining and sunny… has been aching and weighing and drowning me in thought, fear, and even panic at times.
Yesterday, someone who I have come to trust very much gave me some deep advice:
Love is powerful, it is purposeful… and sometimes, when you realize you’ve fallen short, or violated that love, its the hardest thing to heal.
When I was 17, I thought I understood love. About the rush.
But that was incomplete.
When I married, I thought I understood love. About the faith.
But that was incomplete.
When I held my babies in my arms, or hushed them to sleep through long nights, I thought I understood love. About the sacrifice.
But that, too, was incomplete.
I still won’t pretend I understand everything about love. Its magic, its mysteries, the pain it can cause if misused, and its marvelous power to brighten and liven when felt in full. Instead, like the marvelous power of ancient ocean currents I have surfed and swam in, the more you know about love, the more you respect and understand how little you really know.
This morning, I learned something more about love, as I watched the valley fill with light and come to life, I thought of dear blessings and promises made in my past:
“In your life, hardships and trials will come. The very limits of what you can do and who you are to become will be tested. These trials are given to you that you may learn to love as Jesus loves, so that your joy may be full.”
I don’t quite know how or why it is, but somehow, in our deepest trials, when it seems your whole foundation has been rocked, if we pay close attention to the blessings in our lives, it is then that real love begins to bloom.
Humility replaces pride. Appreciation replaces arrogance, and Joy, true joy, supplants and replaces the faded colors of fleeting happiness.
…And our souls can truly become filled with light.